Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
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her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”