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Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger