Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
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Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”