i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
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Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.