Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
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it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
For those that worship cheese..
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.