If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
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[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I can’t be the only one 😂
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Spotted in New Orleans.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”