Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
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I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
My dog learned how to text
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not