the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
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Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
The game has officially changed 😎