Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
You Might Also Like
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”