Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
You Might Also Like
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The news
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.