I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it