ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
this… may be the greatest story ever told
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
🚲+physics = winner
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.