I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.