Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
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Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning