to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Social Media and Real life
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.