If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
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[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
fourth time’s the charm
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”