Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
You Might Also Like
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0