Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
yeet
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”