after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
You Might Also Like
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
spicy snake
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Webb. James Webb.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.