Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.