My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.