“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
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Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared