Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
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Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.