“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
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Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete