when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
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Real House Wines.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
lol
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
#merica
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Stop it! 😂
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet