It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
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There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.