murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
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Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.