Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
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[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
So creative 😂
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
What?!?
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY