One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.