Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
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Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Breaking news:
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.