Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
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I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.