My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
#CatsOnTwitter
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*