Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
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I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Do not levitate over flowers
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.