Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
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“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it