I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
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When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.