Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
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I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
the #horror is real!
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
So glad we cleared that up
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.