Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
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If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?