The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
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*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Ferrari squats
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*