So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
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Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Stop being racist to kettles.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?