While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
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if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it