We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
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Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
#NeverForget
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
absolutely not
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
A choir of Spring onions
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
The asteroid..
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.