My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista