Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
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8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I missed you with all my darts
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My plans: 2020:
Yes my dude
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names