wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
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Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?