My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
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HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
True.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer