I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.