*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
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Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
a lot to unpack here
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.