Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Favourite diary entry ever
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you