carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
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#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Mmmm canned fish.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.