News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Just why bro?!
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?